Thursday, July 18, 2019

The Art of saying NO!

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A friend of mine didn't have a browsing phone a while ago. His phone had been stolen so he was gifted a small Tecno phone with the double SIM card feature. After some months, he gathered some funds and got a Redmi Note 7 when he came to stay at my place. Yeah, you can check it out, its a beautiful phone. Anyway, the implication of him getting a new phone meant he didn't have use for the Tecno phone anymore. I was using an iPhone which obviously had  just one SIM port and I had three SIM cards, don't ask me what I was doing with three SIM cards, I just had three SIM cards.

So I jumped on the Techno phone without asking him, and put my other two SIMS, and he just watched me. He didn't say a word. I went on to use the phone for two weeks. Fast forward to when he was finally leaving, my best friend took the phone, removed the SIMs on the phone and just walked off. I begged and begged but he just said an emphatic NO! I escorted him off to the bus-stop hoping he'd give in to my puppy eyed pleas, but he stood his ground and I felt so bad. That same day, I took some money, and off to the market I went, and got a phone with a two SIM card feature. 

So, my friend is the villain, right? I mean, he didn't need the phone, obviously someone else needed it. So why not give me? Well, that statement up there reeks of entitlement. He is my best friend, yes, but he owes me nothing! I said it. Nothing!

A lot of businesses and relationships fail because of a certain person could not say no to a close one. Moreso, the individual who should have said no stands to loose more. He looses his rest of mind and resentment also builds in him. A brother begs his sibling for some building materials on credit, which logically, the sibling knows he can't pay back. But yet, he gives the materials on loan simply because he's family. He ends up not getting paid on the long run. His loss. And he begins to resent his brother for pulling a fast one on him. 

Or it could stem from something as petty as a girlfriend wearing her boyfriend's sweater when she came around to spend some time. He's boiling because its a special sweater given to him by his mum before she passed, and knowing girlfriends and their entitlement to their boyfriends things, he might never get his sweater again. But he keeps shut, because that is what is expected of a boyfriend. She takes the sweater, maybe promising to return it, but she never did return it. Resentment grows because he's missing his momma and he doesn't have a sweater to go back to for an imaginary hug. Little by little, he begins to pick faults with her and on the long run, a relationship ends just because he could not say no.

Or a scenario of boy likes girl, girl doesn't like boy. She doesn't want to say no because they have been friends for so long. So she dates him and shes unhappy. They ended up breaking up on a bad note, and resentment arises. Years of friendship gone because she could not say no.

First off, we need to tackle that demon called entitlement. The moment you understand that absolutely nobody in this world  owes you anything, and the things you get from anyone should be appreciated instead of expected, you find that you are on your way to emotional freedom. Cultural norms push most people to be 'yes men'. This is because people get scared of losing relationships. But the fact remains that anyone who roots for your well-being will stay no matter what. My friend collecting that phone did hurt me, but he needn't give me an explanation before collecting the phone from me, which he did by the way, because it was his in the first place. A favor is just that. A favour. The moment you are arm twisted to give anything, resentment builds on your part, and actually, scientists have found that resentment, sadness, anger, are possibly some of the causes of some crazy diseases like cancer.

Saying no, not only gives you peace of mind, but also helps the other person to stand on his/her feet and probably be understanding. If the brother had told his sibling that he couldn't sell on credit simply because the costs were too great, the sibling might get hurt and resent him later, but he'd later find a more financially friendly way to complete his house. Or if the boyfriend had stood his ground and collected his sweater, carefully explaining why, a caring and intelligent girlfriend will understand. If she doesn't, then good riddance, less toxicity in his life.  

The potentiality of these 'favors' doing you more harm than good, should be able to inform you on your decision making. You might be giving out something that will cost you, and you have absolutely no idea how you'd bear the cost. The best thing is to say no. People ask favors not to better your life but to better their own lives. Saying no will also build your confidence as well as give room for honesty. Over-committing will drain you like a weed in the desert on the long run. Be firm when saying no. This doesn't mean you should be a 'no man'. It just means you should know when to draw the line, and you will be on the path to elation. That's one secret successful business men wield. Relationships might end because you said no, mine didn't and he's still my best friend by the way, but you get to live with making the right decision for yourself. Emphasis on yourself.

Finally, I end with this quote."The world is brutal, self centered and everyone is concerned about his life. To carve a niche for yourself, you must learn to be 'unemotional' and non sentimental, tactical, without an entitlement mentality because no one owes you anything. The beginning of personal liberation is when you realize that no one owes you anything. If anyone does good to you, it is a privilege that should be appreciated and not expected."

You can use the comment box below and share your views on your experiences on saying yes when you should be saying no. Thanks for reading through.

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